5 things

We’re here again, Monday – it just feels like it comes faster and faster these days. Maybe it’s just me but t i m e is the most mind blowing thing.

I re-listened to a few Brene Brown podcasts over the weekend and got totally inspired all over again.

So, I thought I’d share with you 5 things I’m really not good at yet, because more than anything I want you to know that I’m not perfect at ANYTHING. To clarify, I’m not assuming that you do think I’m perfect at anything, but I know that when you allow your life to be so visible online it can appear that things are all put together nice and neat. I just want you to know that I’m a regular.

What does that mean? It means that I’m a regular in the shame game, in the less than perfect life game… I struggle a lot and I just want to be real honest with all that.

  1. Feelings: The cat’s out of the bag- I’m full of emotions and feelings and often have a hard time navigating them. Because of this, I outwardly seem down or sad – which has always been bothersome to me. It’s been this way since I was little, my Mom always told me I was “melancholy” – I’m just super reflective and like to spend ALOT of time with a feeling before being ready to let it go. I think I appear sad or upset a lot because of this, which truth be told is NOT how I’d like to be perceived. Truly it’s something I’m working on. I want to feel the feelings and let them go and not have to outwardly project so much. I’m not good at being present and ignoring a feeling I’ve been simmering in, as a 30 year old I’ve realized how much this can take away from my loved ones.
  2. Criticism: I’ve never taken criticism well. As a 100% people pleaser it’s hard to take criticism as anything but crushing. What’s worse is that for me I use it as an excuse to talk super negatively to myself, I use it as a gate way to make sure I just feel like scum. Why? Well for many years I’ve not been my own best friend and I’ve taken any inch and made it a foot to be able to make myself feel bad. I’m not good at growing from others input, I’ve always preferred to let it crush my spirit than help me flourish.
  3. Goodbyes: Somewhere around age 10 – 16 I got uber amounts of scared to show emotion to other people – this made goodbyes hard. I can remember being like… 10(ish) and leaving my cousins house in Colorado and bawling in the backseat for at least an hour – that was one of the last times I felt okay in the moment so share how I was feeling. Even on my birthday trip a week ago, we had to deal with a cancelation and rescheduling of a main event that was supposed to happen on my birthday – I faked it SO good, until about 20-30 minutes afterward when I just broke down to Seth. I’m not good at goodbyes because I’m too scared of showing true emotion in the moment with another person, this has taken away from a genuine moment with friends and family multiple times.
  4. Expectations: I place insane expectations on myself, 99.9% of the time this only leaves me in a hard spot. I also react strongly to other peoples expectations of me – it’s kinda like I’m the opposite of a diamond, I don’t react well under pressure. I’m not good at seeing opportunity has a healthy challenge, I usually see it as a defeat before even trying.
  5. Jealousy: I struggle a lot with jealously. It comes from this place inside where I feel less than enough, like I’m missing out, or not being included. I have to work on these feelings SO many times, DAILY. I spent a lot of years unconsciously playing the role of victim so I have to be really aware of my jealousy meter and not let it swing to far to one side. I’ve also noticed that jealousy causes a lot of non-action for me, it makes me feel totally stalled out, which h e l l o, action is the key to moving forward. It’s just something I totally have to watch and be aware of ALL THE TIME. I’m not good at acknowledging another persons success as success without feeling like I’ve missed my own opportunity to move forward.

Those are just 5 real things I thought I’d have figured out by age 30, but I don’t. It feels good to be open and honest with them because to be honest they are all a little messy. They are all something I deal with in the day in and day out of life, it’s not like these things just flare up on the rare occasion – these things are very much me and very much the things I’m combating to try and be the most authentic version of myself.

Thanks for listening, thanks for allowing me to share and be vulnerable with you. Baby steps…



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